"Me and Matt are gonna to make a blog. What's it about? Cool stuff. Guns, fireworks, monkeys with balloons. Just rad stuff like that."

“You know what was a good show? Wacky Races. Remember that show?”

“You have to understand I was raised by TV.”

“You smell good. What is that, Lionel Richies’ Scent of Men?”

“You can put your head in a ‘Puddle of Mudd’ and it would sound better.”

“I’m gonna buy a boat. Will you be my first mate?” [Joey: “Sure.”] “Great! Now I just need a cook, a sniper, and a guy who can play music.”

“I just wanna let you guys know I have been farting. Probably shouldn’t have ate those four fiber bars and a block of cheese.”

Jake: “Know who it is?” Chris: “Yeah, but he looks sad.” Jake: “Of course he’s sad. He’s Two Face. His life sucks.”

“Hey Joey, if me and you are Starsky & Hutch, can I be Starsky?” [Joey: “Sure.”] “Cool. He gets all the ladies.”

“Look it up! Albert Einstein proved it! You’ve been scienced!”

“I hate baby koala bears. What’d they ever do for me? Do they buy me lotto tickets? Heck no.”

You don’t know who Phil Collins is? Jake: “That’s like asking me to name all the Beatles. I don’t even know Baranka.” [He meant Ringo.]

Introducing himself to our new CIO: “Hi, I’m Jake and I’m the young gun. . . . I like to really get in there and get my hands wet"....................Upon finally fixing an uncooperative PC: “See, I told you. You just have to grab your crotch in front of it—show it who’s the alpha male.”

“I do like talking to my nipples about my secrets.” {Looking down his shirt.} “Shh, don’t tell anyone about it. I like Jessica Alba.”

“You hear that, nipple? We’re going places.”